Who am I? I want to answer it with 24601, but that would not be the truth. If you know the reference, I would love to hear it in the comments ;) I am a geek I know.
But who am I. I taste the words with my tongue. Feeling how the tongue is forming the words. I would love to yell it out, this is me! I know it now and I want you all to know it. But actually, I am scared. As frightening as it is to not knowing who you are, as frightening it is to know it. But not knowing what to do with it. But yes, it is frightening, but knowing, also lights a spark and a curiosity that don't exist with not knowing. A feeling that the world is smaller, closer and better. That I could live whereever I want, if I just dared to take that one step. That one leap in to my reality.
It is a big responsibilty to myself, to not stay home and do nothing. When I could do everything. Be exactly who I want and the person that I love. Who I have kept inside of me since I was a child. Afraid to disappoint, I locked my soul in, and all my colors. But I always felt them banging on the door from the inside every time I was creative. An act I thought, but it was the glimpse of the real me.
And all I want to do now is to be with people who is like me or can teach me, all over the world.
To publish some of these photos of me makes me sick in my stomach. Not, because how I look, but how you will react to me. And that makes me mad. That my self hate, stops me from living. From doing. From feeling. Because I care what you will think of me. But not so much about how I feel and think about myself. But, it is not about me anymore. When I hate on my self, yes I destroy my own life. I let negative in to my beautiful life and it stops me from doing things.
My upper arms haven't seen the sun in over eight years. Because I have always covered them up. I my way of thinking like a favor to you. That you don't have to be disgusted by me. And my fat arms. And the thing is, when you come out of your self hate bubble, you realise that almost no one cares. You don't care about my arms. Because you put your energy on yourself. And the things you don't like about yourself or filling your mind with self love so you don't have to be mean to yourself at all. It is all in my head. I have been sweeting like crazy for so many years because of something in my own head.
I have been working on myself for so long, so my self hate bubble is getting smaller, smaller and smaller for every year. Because I know that it is so much beauty I can fill my life with if I just let go. I can still be overweight and live, I don't have to wait for perfect. But also, I have to be kind to my self, so I don't rub this of on the next generation.
When 10 year old girls walk around with handbags, make up and talking about that they are slim. I know I have a part of that. As much as the industry that tells everybody that we need to be slim, we adults that hate on our bodies and not showing them is equally bad. When I don't show my upper arms, they will think that it is wrong to be who you are. And I hate that. So I am going to show pictures of myself even when I want to cringe, I am going to wear sleeveless dresses in summer and I am going to go to the beach again because I love to swim!! I need to take my life back and I need to be a role model. It is time. I can't wait for the world to change, I need to be the cahnge I want to see.
I am not 24601. I am no prisoner. So why be a prisoner in my own body?
And I want to give you a tip for an amazing Instagram account, Dana Falsetti. She is a yoga instructor and is so amazing in what she does. People want to label her as a "overweight girl who can do yoga", or a role model for plus size women. And she just want for people to understand that she is just human. No labels, no "she is so fantastic who can do that when she weighs this and that". She is just a strong woman who loves yoga. Period. And her account is amazing. So check that out.
And I would love to hear your thoughts about this, so I would love to hear from you in the comments so we can talk more about this :)