My purpose is to make people feel loved and beautiful
My entire life I have let people bring me down. People I used to call my best friend always used to say mean things to me, probably to make them feel better themselves. And I thought there was something wrong with me and this was how it was supposed to be. I felt ugly, and unloved. I changed best friend and it got even worse with the new one. She told me not to sing, even when she knew how much I loved to sing, because according to her it was the worst thing she had ever heard. It hurt me badly. I dreamt of going to music school, but I never dared after that. But she couldn't make me stop singing, that was from my soul. She gave me the nickname "Ainstein", wrong spelled Einstein because she thought that I was so stupid. And yes, I didn't have all A:s like she had, but I have never been an non smart girl. Except when it comes to being cruel to myself.
Letting people trash me, is one thing, but I always trashed myself even harder. Not worth, fat, stupid all these things I always repeated to my self. Making up jokes on my behalf so no one did it before me. Why should I live? Why do I live? And I was brought up in a very negative enviroment, not for my first years that was very happy, but from when I was 10 years old. I was forced to grow up really quickly. And I felt like the loneliest kid alive. I had no one that understood me. I wasn't like everybody else. I didn't see my future looking like everybody elses. I was dreaming all the time. And the people that was supposed to love me, never had anything nice to say. My selfhealing in that situation became: confirmation.
And it was one specific person I felt I needed it from. And I never got it. So I searched after it in mean guys, it is typical isn't it. And I felt that I couldn't talk about it, because in my family we never talk about things that can look bad from the outside..
And all this negativity almost killed me. I filled up with so much hate. Most for myself, but also for them. Who had hurt me.
My turning point came when I met Crille. He made me laugh every day. (and still do!) He made me feel loved and beautiful, something I haven't felt since I was really young. And here's the thing. I am not writing this to trash anyone. I have forgiven all things from the past now. And almost all the people. Because hate, the one that it is hurting the most is, you. It will eat you from the inside and it will only grow. So I have let go of my anger. I have let go of my past. I have forgiven and I chose to be a positive person, who wants to make people feel loved and beautiful. That is what I feel in my gut that I am here for, it is my purpose.
I know that I am not perfect either, because who is. But every person is worth a second chance. And I am on the way to loving myself. I like myself very much and I know that I am good. I don't need anybody else to tell me that. But, I still have people around me that is negative. That always take away my good energy. And I have decided to push them away from me. Because what I have learned is to never have people in your life that bring you down. You are worth positive energy, you are worth all the love you can get (and even more), so you can give that to somebody else. It will become a chain of love and it will make a difference.
And please, if you are reading this and are in a bad place. Write to me and we can talk. I will listen.
FOTOGRAF Rebecca Hansson
Bröllopsfotograf & kärleksfotograf i Stockholm & Karlstad. Samt reser över hela Världen där du finns.