Chasing perfection 

Photo: Jenny Blad

I want to start with "Let's be honest", but it sounds so cheesy. I have always have a problem with being honest, to myself. I didn't know that I even had a problem, until I got the question: "who are you?".

Maybe we should start from scratch. 2011, I started my business as a photographer. And I worked in every direction that was existing. Because I just loved that I was allowed to have this profession. Crazy! So I thought that I had to please everyone. EVERYONE! And I worked so hard to get confirmation from everybody else. So much that I lost myself. I didn't just start with my work either. My entire life I have felt wrong, like everyone is better, like I am never good enough. And my friends were like screaming at me "YOUR GOOD JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, UNDERSTAND!!". But when I never understood, they got tired of me. She just feels sorry for herself. And maybe I did. But I went through hell at home. And I only wanted to feel my daddy's love. And that I was OK just the way I am. There it began. And have proceed until now. 15 years later. What is most hurtful now, is that I let my need to be perfect and to get confirmation affect my business. I was trying to be everyone else. I listen to all the things everyone else was saying and I tried to fix my photography after them. "She is successful, so if I do what she is doing, I will be successful." And the big laugh in that is, they are successful, just because they were themselves and were unique. And the other funny thing about it is, what success is for me, isn't success for everyone else. Everyone has to measure their on success from the own values. And the most horrible thing with copy somebody else, is that you are never going to feel that your are enough. You will always feel like no 2, because they did it first, so they are better at it. And of course, they are better, because they are just being themselves. So I lost myself. Instead of showing myself, the thinker who loves to travel and loves my boyfriend so much that I never want him to leave my side, because it feels like a part of me is leaving. I was showing the i'm-so-happy-you-might-think-i'm-on-some-sort-of-drug-happy! And don't get me wrong, I am a positive person, but I am just not that happy. I know the world have struggles, I care a lot of our nature, I fight for people who doesn't get treated right because of their sexual orientation or the color of their skin. And I am never going to stop fight until everyone understands, that all get be just as they are! And I showed that other side of me because I know that it was working for another photographer in Sweden. And that is crazy! Fake it until you make it, as I got as an advice, is crazy! Just be yourself! My fight has only begun. I am fighting to get my head back. From all the images I have seen in my life, from all the pictures that I have cried about "I will never be that great". I am now getting all of my inspiration from inside. From music. From books. From travels. From lovely people I meet. Or for that matter from people I see in the streets. But it all comes from me. And I am feeling great. It is a struggle, it won't be done over night. But I am happy with that. For what I am creating now comes all from me.